Hippies Are Still Boring

Jan 15th, 2013 by Nicholas Pell in Personal, Politics

Hippies are still boring.

Hippies still listen to shitty folk music about feelings and important issues. They still roll around in the mud at three-day festivals of lukewarm rock music and tepid acoustic harmonies. They still think gigs should be “more than music” and that it’s really important to communicate a message. Hippies think Against Me! are a punk band and give money to other hippies pretending to be homeless who play in old-timey quartets on street corners in Portland.

Hippies still hate what they don’t understand, which is basically fucking everything. They still get involved in all the right causes, except now they repost memes on Facebook and Tumblr instead of holding signs in the streets. Hippies still have to take everything too far; It’s not enough to be vegan. You’ve got to stop eating bananas or some other cherry of injustice they’ve picked from the barrel of shit that is the human experience.

Hippies still confuse their own tortured ruminations for critical thought. Internet access is just about the worst thing to happen to hippies; They’re literally paralyzed by the sheer number of things they can obsess over / be outraged by / vicariously live through. They still read all the same things as one another, except these days it’s Gawker Media sites and social justice blogs instead of underground newspapers. Hippies still read Maximumrocknroll and listen to Noam Chomsky books on tape.

Hippies are really concerned with other people’s feelings and think there’s no greater injustice in the world than offending a group that includes five people. Most of them didn’t know that most of the world wallowed in shit until they learned it in their Women’s Studies lecture class.

Hippies hate sex, drugs and rock and roll. They hate fun, but for all the wrong reasons.

Hippies drive hybrid and biodiesel cars. They reduce, reuse and recycle. Hippies are very concerned about what’s going on in the world; What’s more, they really want you to know just how concerned they are and find that expressing this concern through luxury lifestyle goods is the most effective means of social change.

Hippies are still boring.

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